Random thoughts on marriage
As a progressive, openly transgender, queer-identified San Franciscan, marriage equality has been and remains a gut-wrenching issue for me. On the one hand, I am critical of the institution of marriage because of my feminist/queer liberationist beliefs. On the other hand, I am aware of how people in same-sex relationships are treated as second-class citizens, particularly in the legal protections for the integrity of their family. When someone loses his or her same-sex partner in old age, retirement benefits are denied. When a same-sex partner tries to immigrate to the United States, the INS does not recognize his or her relationship. And, when same-sex partners separate, child custody rights can be denied. In fact, there are over 1,000 rights that heterosexual married couples enjoy that same-sex couples will never have, even with domestic partners laws. Same-sex couples are clearly denied full citizenship rights in the United States.
When Mayor Gavin Newsom began performing marriage ceremonies in City Hall, my beliefs were profoundly changed. It was no longer just a theoretical concept to me. Over and over again, I watched my friends standing amidst dozens of other couples exchanging vows. (I will never forget how quickly my radical feminist lesbian neighbors ran off to City Hall to get married.) Over and over again, I cried during their ceremonies. Couples whose commitment ceremonies I've attended, who have been together for years, whose vows to each other have been well-established by years of domesticity and partnership, were marrying in small, extremely joyful circles of wet eyes and big smiles.
As a transgender man, I have access to marriage rights and privileges. But I am angered that as a transgender man I now have a set of rights that my gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender brothers and sisters do not have. My partner and I had a commitment ceremony, without accepting the privilege of legal marriage that our brothers and sisters in the LGBT community cannot have.
Finally, over the last year I have become increasingly aware that the people who strongly oppose same-sex marriage, also oppose domestic partners laws, anti-discrimination laws, and seriously are out to get us. They are organizing while we are twiddling our thumbs. As Larry Kramer noted in an interview with the Village Voice, "you gotta wake up and smell the coffee. They're coming after us. Big time. Even if they're doing it under the guise of Mr. and Mrs. Nice Guy with God on Their Side."
Many in the straight progressive community have said little about over the last year about marriage equality and some even make snide comments about Newsom's motivations. I worked hard in the run-off for Matt Gonzalez and he would have made a great mayor. But even the most steadfast Gonzalez supporter has to admit that Newsom is not governing the city in the same way he campaigned. For the most part, Newsom is governing to the middle with occasional moments that knock my socks off like his courageous stand on same sex-marriage and his walking the picket line with the striking hotel workers of Local 2. As Matt said in his concession speech, praise Gavin when he does right, and criticize him when he does wrong. So while we may need to continue to push Newsom on economic justice issues, we must stand by him when conservatives-of all parties-- lash out at him for his position on marriage equality.
Most important, we need everyone to stand by the LGBT community in the next few years. The religious right organized in thirteen swing states against marriage equality, and, in some states, against domestic partnership laws, and won. This month in California, just as Assemblymember Mark Leno introduced his bill to create marriage equality, Lou Sheldon and the religious right plan to place an initiative on the 2006 ballot to ban marriage quality and domestic partnerships. We must all stand strong on this and actively reach out to all of California. We can't win this without you.